"Crawl To Arms"

Crawl To Arms
By Kelton Sears

Every night I crawl around and eat dirt so that compost can be had. It is a really important job, being a worm. But god dammit does it get tiring. Do this: get on the ground and retract your abdomen over and over as a means of locomotion. Yeah. Tell me about it you lucky biped bastard. But hey, one learns to be humble when they literally live on the ground.

Did you know there are 1,000,000 types of worms? Scary, isn't it? There aren't 1,000,000 types of people are there? No. Maybe like ten or something. For me there are only two. The bastards - and the bigger bastards. What would you do if all 1,000,000 worms decided that we'd had it with your B.S.? You know what I'm talking about. Don't effing look around like you don't know. You squish us. You throw us in compost piles, literally throw us in there. I can't count how many martyrs have gone by way of fish hook you sick assholes. How about this, all one million of us worms go and find a giant fish hook and we skewer all of you on it and dangle you above the ocean until a shark bites. Huh? Sounds great. I can't believe you call us invertebrates. You people are the ones with no spines. What the hell have you done? You sit on your lazy asses and pollute the air and watch your television while I am out making the very god damn ground you stand on.

So that is why I am writing this. Not for you, you worthless humans. No, this is for all of us worms. It is about time we got together. It is about time we unite and take down these sons of bitches and stop the madness. Every acre of soil is the home of one million worms. How many acres are on the earth? A lot. You do the math. You know what humans, we usually wait until you are dead and buried in the ground until we decompose you. Well, we are tired of waiting.